The last few nights and I’m not exactly sure why… maybe it is because I am finally living alone; which I never have before, or the remembrance of me having to carry mace on the running trail (meaning I cannot quite feel safe here), or late at night when I have to park my car a half mile away, or that my bed is right next to the window and even though I am in a secured building, there are no bars on my window like every other apartment I have lived in here(besides my first apt, but still), I have had nightmares.  I cannot quite remember the last time I had nightmares… I want to say maybe it was a year ago, maybe not even that long, maybe 6 months ago.  I remember waking up and texting J what I had just dreamt about, now I cannot even remember, but last nights nightmares…

I woke up in the middle of the night for every single little noise I heard.  In between all the wake ups I kept having nightmares about people breaking in.  Once I woke up and thought someone was breaking into my apartment (even though I have the main door locked, the deadbolt and the extra hangy lock thing), I had to turn on my star light for a few minutes till I felt safe again.  I then woke up thinking someone was trying to break into my window (but I have the piece of wood that goes in the middle when they are closed to make it pretty hard to break in, unless they broke the glass – which I would have really heard).  I then woke up because I thought someone was breaking into my car, or who knows any car.  My apartment is right below our parking garage, which is gated, but I can hear everything down there, when someone unlocks their car, closes their door, is listening to their music, etc.  My car is the only car in our little apartment building that does not have a parking spot in there (I also have the only studio of the building).  My car has to park on the street, but my street is a dead end so I feel a little safer (for some reason?!).  Luckily when I hit my car lock or panic button from my apartment I can hear my car beep that it is locked, or go off.  I got up out of bed, still hearing these noises, but half asleep, so I am not quite sure what they are and I hit my lock button on my car, it beeps.  I feel better and go back to bed.

When I was just of driving age until a few years ago, I used to have recurring nightmares about me crashing cars, the brakes always went out. When I was even younger I had the same dream over and over again about this old witch kidnapping me, but I would cry and she would let me go…

Right before I woke up, I finally had a dream, but this one was a little odd and left me wondering what it meant… I was dating Alec Baldwin and we had both just finished up filming this super intense, dramatic war film which was supposed to be the summer’s block buster movie.  While everyone was heading off set, we stayed.  I then grabbed him by his jacket and slowly started to seduce him.  We got really hot and passionate and started to make love on the set.  I could tell in his eyes that he had really fallen hard for me, he even whispered “I love you” which I knew he meant because of the almost pain in his eyes.  Feeling guilty I whispered it back, although at that moment in time I knew he really did not mean much to me besides this fun guy I happen to be dating.  I felt horrible, I never even enjoyed one bit of the sex, and I always did it for him, pretending that I loved it… then my alarm went off.

That made me question a lot of things… I wish I had a dream book or knew more about what dreams meant.